A few years ago, I did something I never thought I would. I started a friendship diary. A couple of months later, it evolved into a full relationship diary.

It all started with an inventory of my life. I realized relationships were the biggest area of opportunity for me. Sometimes I could be surrounded by people and still feel a sense of internal loneliness. Other times, in some of my emerging relationships, interactions felt fragile, like one conflict would take the whole thing out. I didn’t know what friendships were supposed to look like anymore. Or business relationships. Or any of it. Did they overlap? Did they not? How do you build relationships when you no longer share a physical space or a common schedule with anyone? How do I build relationships that go below the surface — the ones that truly change everything?

I wasn’t just navigating shifting relationships; my identity was also shifting. The community I had wasn’t aligned anymore. It was becoming clearer and clearer that this shift demanded intentionality and, while I dreaded it, I knew that getting to the other side of it would be life-changing.

I was at a crossroads and was motivated to do something about it.

It soon became clear that I wasn’t alone on this path. Everyone, from clients to friends, was sitting with the same questions. We were all navigating identity shifts, questioning who our people were, and were unsure about how to approach relationships that no longer fit the lives we were building. Some were promoted to different roles. Others were entering different seasons in life. Some wanted to realign with their evolving values.

A sampling of the questions we were all sitting with:

• Who are my people? How do I find them?
• Why do below the surface relationships matter more than ever, both at work and in life?
• When should I let a relationship go, and when should I fight for it to evolve?
• If something goes awry, is it reparable or damaged beyond repair?

These questions don’t have easy answers. But they are worth sitting with. When we are surrounded by the right people, everything changes. We activate unexpected power in our lives. Without that activation, there’s so much missed potential. And that’s exactly why I’m writing this. We can all benefit from the power of coalitions and partnerships more than ever. In this article, I’ll cover how our relationships are in flux, why below the surface relationships matter more than you think, and how to build, maintain, and repair them.

Relationships are in Flux

When I began a spiritual journey several years ago, one of the concepts that most grounded me was impermanence. It’s the notion that everything is always shifting: people, seasons, identities, and circumstances. Nothing stays exactly as it is. When I would go on long walks, I would notice everything always shifting and changing with the seasons.

And, just like the seasons, relationships are always shifting. Although I was very familiar with the concept of impermanence, I often fought it. I had valued longevity over quality. I tended to hold onto relationships long past their season. I was also starting new relationships the same way I always had, using models that no longer fit who I was becoming.

My realizations were twofold. First off,  I wasn’t actively designing my relationships. I also wasn’t allowing for my ongoing relationships to naturally seed and compost. I wasn’t releasing what had run its course while making room for what was trying to grow. I’ll go deeper into this later.

The data tells the same story. Relationships are in flux in both work and life. At home, researchers are calling it a friendship recession. According to the Survey Center on American Life, the number of Americans with no close friends has quadrupled over the past three decades — from 3% in 1990 to 12% today. And while some of that shedding is natural, people aren’t replacing what they’re losing. A 2025 Bumble friendship survey found that 52% of adults hadn’t made a new friend in the past year, despite 60% saying they wanted to. Meanwhile, the average American now spends just 4 hours a week with friends, down from 6.5 hours two decades ago, according to U.S. Census Bureau data.

At work, it’s no different. Global employee engagement has fallen to its lowest level in years. Gallup ties the decline directly to two eroding experiences: feeling cared about at work and having real opportunities to grow. Both are relationship problems at their core. And we’ve known for years that having a best friend at work is one of the strongest predictors of engagement. Yet most people don’t have one.

So the big takeaway here is: we are craving connection. We just don’t always know how to find it, or keep it.

Why Below the Surface Relationships Matter More Than You Think

We know relationships matter. But not all of them are created equal.

Below the surface relationships are the ones where you feel fully seen — where there is depth, reciprocity, and enough trust to be honest. These are REAL relationships (relatable, equitable, aware, loyal).

They are not the same as networking connections, work friendships, or the people you see regularly out of convenience. Those have their place. But they don’t shift your life in the ways that matter most. You don’t build game-changing coalitions or partnerships through these relationships.

You’ve probably heard of the strength of weak ties: the idea that casual acquaintances often connect us to new opportunities. That’s true. But weak ties don’t carry you through a hard season. Below the surface relationships do.

And when we don’t have them, the consequences are significant. According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on loneliness and isolation, social isolation and loneliness increase the risk of premature death by 29% and 26%, respectively, comparable to the health risks of smoking and obesity. At work, Gallup research shows that having a best friend at work is one of the strongest predictors of employee engagement. Yet belonging is eroding, and global employee engagement is now at its lowest level since 2020, according to Gallup’s 2026 State of the Global Workplace report.

But, I’m probably not telling you anything new. Below the surface relationships are vital yet they still don’t get the attention they need.

How to Build, Maintain, and Repair Relationships

Now that we understand why these relationships matter, the question is how. How do we actually build them, maintain them, and repair them when something goes wrong? This section is probably what brought many of you here today. So, I’ve organized this into three steps for simplicity.

Step 1: Make Room

Before you can build below the surface relationships, you have to make room for them.

Most people I work with don’t have a capacity problem: they have a crowding problem. Their relational lives are filled with surface connections that take up space without offering depth. These connections are usually held together by habit rather than genuine alignment.

I love the metaphor of composting for relationships. Not every relationship needs to end dramatically. Some simply need to be released, allowed to fade naturally, shift into something lighter, or become the kind of warm but distant connection that no longer needs tending. In composting, what falls away isn’t wasted. It makes room for what’s next. Are you holding onto a relationship out of habit? Is it time for a new season? Some relationships that compost will sprout back in a different form, transformed by time and distance into something new. Others will simply make space for new ones to bloom.

Step 2: Use REAL Interactions

Once you’ve created capacity, the next step is how you actually show up in relationships. This is where my REAL framework comes in. While there are many facets to each REAL interaction, I’ve picked one dimension of each to reflect on here.

R — Relatable. To what extent are you inviting others to bring their entire selves into the relationship? Relationships stay on the surface when we don’t encourage people to bring other parts of themselves in. If it’s primarily a work relationship, consider a bonding activity like a walk or a change of scenery, something that creates space for different dimensions of that person to show up.

E — Equitable. To what extent do you question established relational norms, especially when they’re misaligned with purpose, fairness, or progress? As I mentioned earlier, I had outgrown relational norms I learned in more traditional workplaces: from how I interact to what I considered right and wrong in relationships. Equity in relationships requires questioning what we’ve inherited.

A — Aware. How much are you allowing yourself to observe rather than react? Awareness can only grow when we slow down enough to connect with what’s actually happening instead of trying to control it.

L — Loyal. How often do you write someone off for just one mistake? I see this more often than not. I’ll go deeper on this in the next section on repair.

This is just a start. If you have Leading Below the Surface, work through the mini-assessments in Chapter 5 for more. And if you want to go even deeper, join the newsletter practice by clicking here.

Step 3: Design Intentionally — Including Repair

Below the surface relationships don’t just happen. They require intention. And that intention has to include a plan for when things go wrong, well before they do.

Most people have never designed a relationship. They don’t even know what that means. But designing relationships is a thing and critical for Below the Surface relationships.

If you are new to relationship design, here are a few generative prompts to get you started:

• What is the purpose of this relationship?
• How do we want to communicate?
• How do we want to handle conflict?
• What does repair look like for us?
• How will we hold each other accountable for these commitments?

These questions sound simple. But most people have never asked them out loud in a relationship, and, at the very least, even if you don’t get m concrete answers to all of the prompts, they always activate something in the conversation. Many times, that’s exactly where we need to focus.

One note on repair before we close: when I ask people what repair looks like in their relationships, most don’t know how to answer. That’s okay. The point isn’t to have the answer immediately. It’s to keep revisiting the question until you can name it together.

In summary, below the surface relationships are vital in our work and in our lives. Many of us want them but aren’t sure how to create them. This article is a start. But depth requires practice.

If you want to continue reflecting on this topic and others, I’d love to have you in the Leading Below the Surface Practice. It’s my semi-monthly newsletter that prompts you to create a space where you can practice these concepts more deeply. This is especially ideal for those of you who are sick of scrolling and are seeking more concrete practices. Join here.

Working with leaders and organizations on below the surface relationships

If you’re recognizing yourself or your organization in any of this, that’s not a coincidence. Relationship design, psychological safety, and below the surface connection are at the core of how we actually function.

This is the work I do with leaders and organizations at Change Coaches. If you’re ready to have that conversation, let’s connect. You can reach me directly at [email protected].

LaTonya Wilkins is an executive coach, author of Leading Below the Surface, and Founder & CEO of Change Coaches. She works with leaders and organizations ready to go below the surface. Learn more at changecoaches.io.