Attached or Avoidant? Why Your Patterns Matter in Love, Leadership, and Life

Have you ever wondered why you job hop, overfunction on teams, or struggle with work relationships? The answer might lie below the surface—in your attachment style.

Episode Summary

In this solo episode, LaTonya Wilkins, award-winning executive coach and author of , breaks down the four attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure) and how they show up at work, in leadership, and in love.

You’ll walk away with:

  • A quick self-diagnosis guide to help you identify your style
  • Insights on how each style impacts your work relationships and leadership
  • Coaching tips tailored to each style—no psychology degree required
  • A powerful reminder that self-awareness is the gateway to becoming a better leader

Whether you’re leading teams, navigating workplace tension, or just trying to understand yourself better, this episode offers a grounded, human-centered framework to help you lead and live more authentically.

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Podcast Summary Transcript: 

[00:00] Welcome + Why Attachment Styles Matter

  • LaTonya introduces the episode and explains why attachment styles are relevant in leadership.
  • Shares who this episode is for: job hoppers, those who struggle with trust or relationships at work, and anyone reflecting on life patterns.

[01:45] Personal Story: Major Life Changes

  • LaTonya reflects on her recent move and the end of a 12-year relationship.
  • Talks about reconnecting with herself and how the Attached book helped make sense of it all.

[03:15] What Are Attachment Styles?

  • Overview of the four common styles:
    1. Anxious
    2. Avoidant
    3. Disorganized
    4. Secure
  • Notes that names vary, but these four are widely recognized.

[04:45] Quick Breakdown of Each Style

  • Anxious: Craves closeness, fears abandonment, overanalyzes.
  • Avoidant: Avoids intimacy, values independence, feels invaded by closeness.
  • Disorganized: Push-pull dynamic, fears both closeness and abandonment.
  • Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and conflict, expresses needs calmly.

[07:00] Self-Diagnosis Prompts

  • Questions to help you spot your own style:
    • Do you trust your team easily?
    • Do you fear conflict or abandonment?
    • Are you too quick to give or too reluctant to connect?

[08:45] The Data: How Common Is Each Style?

  • Approximate distribution:
    • Secure: 50–60%
    • Anxious: 20–25%
    • Avoidant: 20–25%
    • Disorganized: Smaller group
  • It’s more common to shift from anxious to secure than from avoidant to secure.

[10:15] Why It All Matters at Work

  • Attachment influences how we build trust, handle feedback, and show up for others.
  • Unlike assessments like DiSC or Enneagram, this is about deep emotional wiring.

[11:30] Coaching Tips for Each Style

  • Anxious: Journal, seek feedback, challenge old fears, ask “what’s really happening?”
  • Avoidant: Ask for help, commit to showing up, slowly build emotional connection.
  • Secure: Watch for emotional over-functioning or rescuing behaviors.

[13:30] Final Reflections + Next Steps

  • Healing and self-awareness go hand in hand with great leadership.
  • For deeper insight, revisit Episode 47 on trauma and leadership with Blythe Landry.

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