In this enlightening podcast episode, LaTonya Wilkins dives into the critical theme of building relationships in contemporary society, especially in light of the growing issue of social isolation. LaTonya explores the importance of fostering connections, particularly for individuals in midlife or those transitioning out of college. With recent research highlighting loneliness as an epidemic, especially among younger generations like Gen Z, LaTonya aims to provide actionable strategies for expanding social circles and improving interpersonal skills.
Quotes:
LaTonya Wilkins: – Building relationships in our current society is essential, especially as we navigate through social isolation.
Context: In the introduction of the episode, I set the stage for discussing the importance of relationships in today’s world, particularly in light of recent societal changes and the impact of the pandemic.
LaTonya Wilkins: – Loose ties are more valuable in life than close ties.
Context: I discussed the concept of loose ties and their importance in networking and community building, referencing research that supports this idea.
LaTonya Wilkins: – If you want to connect better, go to new places and make eye contact.
Context: I provided practical advice for listeners on how to foster connections, emphasizing the importance of being present and engaging with others in social settings.
LaTonya Wilkins: – Start a friend or social diary to track your efforts in building connections.
Context: I suggested this strategy as a way to encourage listeners to be intentional about their social interactions and to reflect on their experiences.
LaTonya Wilkins: – Let your friendships naturally shed and grow back like a dog’s coat.
Context: I used this metaphor to explain the natural ebb and flow of relationships, encouraging listeners to embrace change in their social circles without taking offense.
LaTonya Wilkins: – Isolation influences how we vote and interact with others.
Context: I concluded the episode by discussing the broader societal implications of isolation, urging listeners to take action.
Resources from today’s episode:
Learn more about the Change Coaches Coaching Sprint by emailing [email protected]
–Change Coaches Guide to Create Psychological Safe Conversations Across Differences
Transcript:
Note: This is a solo episode hosted by LaTonya Wilkins.
00:00:01 – Are you looking to get a head start on first quarter? Here at Change Coaches, we prepare people to lead in today’s workplace through leadership and organizational coaching. We offer one-on-one executive coaching and group coaching focused on competencies for middle managers. We also provide keynotes based on the Leading Below the Surface book. Our newest offering is empathy-based sales training, which develops your sales team, increases sales, and enhances customer connections. To learn more, visit Changecoaches IO or email [email protected].
00:00:48 – Hello everyone and welcome to the Leading Below the Surface podcast. I’m your host, Latanya Wilkins. Before we start, I want to share a bit about this episode. Today will be a solo episode, which I didn’t expect to record.
00:01:06 – This episode focuses on how to build relationships in our current society. If you’re looking to find your community, expand your friendship circle, or develop weak ties, this episode is for you.
00:01:39 – I understand how challenging this can be, especially when you’re no longer in college or are in midlife or your 30s and 40s. I recorded this episode after reading an article in The Atlantic titled “The Antisocial Century.” It caught my attention, so I spent the night reading it.
00:02:09 – I read it twice and want to discuss it along with other readings on this topic, including “The Anxious Generation.” I aim to conclude with how we can create better relationships to contribute positively to our society. I believe we can all improve in this area.
00:02:33 – I recorded this on January 21st, 2025, following a major U.S. presidential election. We anticipate significant changes in the U.S. and globally, and I want to explore how this topic and related events contribute to that change.
00:02:49 – I will cover that today. If you like this, please share it with anyone who can benefit. If you’re watching on YouTube, please follow and share. We just launched on YouTube and are trying to spread the word. Thank you to all our listeners.
00:03:13 – If there’s anything you want to discuss, please email me at infoangecoachesio. I try to respond to everyone. Let’s first talk about social isolation. I’ve noted a few things about this topic. The Surgeon General stated that loneliness is an epidemic, worse than smoking.
00:03:49 – I recently read the book “The Anxious Generation,” which discusses Gen Z being antisocial and spending a lot of time on social media without much face-to-face interaction. Therapists have also noted this trend, coaching Gen Z on social skills. Gen Z, I’m not trying to insult you; I’m discussing the research.
00:04:29 – Last year, I attended an event called Speed Friending at a neighborhood coffee shop, highlighting that people are lonely and seeking connection. I also read a book called “Let Them” by Mel Robbins, which I enjoyed. It discusses friendships and how to make them. I agree with many points she made, which I will discuss today. The book emphasizes accepting the world as it is and understanding how to make friends while allowing people to be themselves.
00:05:32 – A couple of things. Our social interactions have dipped at least 30%. For Gen Z, it is more than 30%, but across the board, it’s about 30%.
00:05:56 – People are having fewer relationships outside of work. Ten years ago, we went to dinner or happy hour with people. Now, we are doing that about 30% less on average.
00:06:22 – This was US-based research. At the IOC conference, I learned about a study where people were asked if they wanted to interact with someone on their commute and how that would make them feel. Most said they did not want to interact and thought it would not make them feel good.
00:06:51 – Interestingly, when they did interact, it was favorable. They ended up connecting with the person. We may have a confirmation bias, thinking social situations are a pain, but the research shows we actually enjoy these connections.
00:07:32 – Number three, I want to give a visualization. Think about the last time you went to your favorite restaurant, one that has limited seating but a lot of takeout.
00:07:57 – The author visualizes a change in our social interactions. I think about my favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant in Chicago. They used to have a small indoor seating area where I enjoyed talking to the cooks and discussing their homemade pozole. However, they closed that space and never reopened after Covid. Now, they thrive on takeout, but I miss that third place experience. I still go there, but I pick up my food and leave.
00:08:22 – Many can relate to how our interactions have diminished. The study refers to these interactions as the middle ring. The inner ring consists of those close to us, while the outer ring includes acquaintances. The middle ring contains loose ties, which are significant.
00:08:35 – Loose ties, as discussed in the article “The Strength of Loose Ties,” are often more valuable than close ties. A friend might know someone who can help with a hobby or job. We are losing these loose ties, which is concerning.
00:09:25 – This loss negatively impacts us. Additionally, we are losing opportunities to practice social skills. Think back to a time when you engaged socially.
00:09:47 – I may not be the best example since I am a coach and frequently interact with others. I have an office outside my home, which I enjoy. However, returning to the Mexican restaurant, it served as a third place where I engaged in conversations about the community.
00:10:08 – I might not agree with them about the community, but that’s an opportunity to practice socializing. Talking to neighbors at block parties allows us to practice social skills and to disagree and agree. I remember growing up in Iowa, where my dad worked in manufacturing. He and his friends would disagree about certain things, but they respected each other and communicated daily. That was practice for them, but we’re losing that.
00:10:43 – We’re losing this practice. When I was a kid, I had a community of elders who weren’t blood family but took care of me. They helped out, and that is happening less. We’re working from home more, which has downsides. Hybrid work is probably the best way to collaborate and innovate. I know people are passionate about this, but I’m just stating the research.
00:11:24 – When I talk to people, especially young adults, they express discomfort in social situations. I attended two parties last weekend, one with people in their 20s, and I noticed the discomfort in the air. People weren’t lingering as long, and these trends are concerning. What does this mean? It influences how we vote, interact, and think. We are social creatures, and it also affects our mental health.
00:12:09 – I reviewed an article discussing trends on TikTok where people expressed a desire to stay home. While it may be fine occasionally, it keeps happening, which is troubling.
00:12:42 – People are spending more time in solitude. I spent the whole last weekend mostly in solitude. I needed it because I traveled a lot before that and had a lot going on. It’s becoming a trend.
00:12:54 – AI is becoming people’s friends, but humans are social creatures. This contributes to our society. Think about ten years ago when you had more relationships. If you have children, they were probably out more, which shaped us into more well-rounded individuals.
00:13:19 – We develop emotional intelligence when we are with people and learn from them. If you’re listening to this podcast, we all want to be better members of society. We want to connect better across differences and build our connections. It’s a human need.
00:13:46 – We need to interact with people. Some of you may be listening because you feel uncomfortable or haven’t found your community. Let’s talk about that. I will discuss how to find these communities and end with next steps on how to be better members of society.
00:14:15 – I will also address how to talk about this with your organization and the problems related to well-being. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by this, let me give you three steps to connect better and define new connections. Number one is to go to new places in your neighborhood, even if you don’t feel like going out. Just go and make eye contact.
00:14:57 – Put your phone down. One of my childhood friends and I have been discussing loneliness. She is a parent and shared how she felt lonely but managed to start conversations with other parents at her child’s sporting events. After attending many events, everything changed when she put her phone down and made eye contact. I call this P to P listening, which involves listening deeply.
00:15:33 – P2P listening is about environmental listening. Try to make eye contact and smile at people in a non-creepy way. I live in Chicago and frequent a coffee shop. Sometimes I go there to work on Saturdays. Last time, I intended to talk to people, and three people engaged with me. While I was working, I also aimed to be social. I had a great conversation with someone, exchanged numbers, and discussed a book someone was reading.
00:16:20 – They were reading Malcolm X, which led to a meaningful conversation. If I had been focused solely on my computer, I would have missed that interaction. So, number one: go places, make eye contact, and smile. Number two: start a friend or social diary.
00:16:36 – I recommend this because not everything will work. The coffee shop strategy worked that day, but if it hadn’t, what would be next? A diary is essential. If one approach fails, try another activity. Aim for two activities a week or explore different options. Start this diary with time-bound goals or weekly intentions.
00:17:06 – This week, I want to start a new conversation with someone outside of your family unit. Having this diary and these intentions is important. Number three is to let your friendships and social circles naturally shed and grow back. Think about a dog; they shed and grow their hair back thicker.
00:17:50 – As we go through this, consider if there are friends in your life that need to drop off. There’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone gets busy, and some people have children at different stages in life.
00:18:07 – You might take hiatuses. For example, I had a close friendship in high school and college that faded after college but has since returned. Let things go through seasons; you might naturally shed but then grow back. If people fall off, let them. I love that concept—let them fall off and come back later.
00:18:42 – We don’t need to take offense. People’s lives change, and we should go through the cycle of change. As you shed, you’re gaining. Your coat gets thicker and of better quality. By letting something shed, you open the way for something new.
00:19:13 – I want to end with how we talk about this. We focused on personal benefits, but think about the organizational impact. You’ll be a better leader and colleague if you can connect with different types of people. This connection enhances your well-being, creates oxytocin, and strengthens bonds, benefiting society as a whole.
00:19:51 – This isolation causes us to vote a certain way or to believe things that may not be true, and it reduces empathy. In-groups strengthen while out-groups weaken. Think about how this fits into your life. That’s all I have today. In the next episode, I’ll focus on the State of the part 2. If you catch us every episode, you might want to go back to the first episode.
00:20:29 – I’ll put the link in the comments for you to review. Thanks everyone, and we’ll see you next time.